Being Fine

We are all fine. I’ve heard that word or fake emotion my entire life from most every one at least once. I’ve said it before quite often in my life not ever truly realizing its significance. I stopped a few years ago when I began to realize that we cannot be ‘fine.’

I only begin this entry about this particular word or what society has equated with an emotion because its value in my life. When our lives have turmoil we feel some thing far more than that word. Even the breeze rocks the boat; it doesn’t fly above with no effect. I don’t think we should succumb to this pointless supposed emotion.

Fine is neutral ground where I suppose we protect ourselves into a bubble of emotionless feeling, whether from those around us or our own self. How can one be just ‘fine?’ As I’ve written earlier, I’ve learned so much about myself in the last few years, pushing forward and never giving in to some thing or some one.

As I used that what I now consider to be an “un-word” and definitely not an emotion, it’s not protected me from harm. Most of all , it’s kept me from experiencing most of my most volatile emotions, happiest ones or pure anger. This deflects us from coping and dealing with our own reality what ever it might be.

Life is always complicated. The parts that are simple fly by into an insignificant breeze. My emotions as with all people are and will be complicated. This complicated mixture makes life worth living, even though at times we seriously doubt that we can pursue more than what seems to be in our vision or deserve. My own vision has been distorted the last eight years. I’ve let it.

True vision actually comes vastly from our brains and not really what might be actually there. I think life and as such our emotions are one in the same. We some times question maybe our own worth in this world and even allow ourselves to think that the universe has defected us in some way and deserve very little. And, saying “I’m fine” is merely subrogating that doubt and misbelief into a thought we’re cursed, less than others or putting ourselves into a deflection point.

At least this is what I’ve noticed about my own self. I’m not ‘fine’ — never have been. I am well. I am sad. I am angry, truly hurt and far more. My overly filtered self before filtered my own internal emotions and thus expressing or touching the true feelings onto others. This emotionless filter kept me from the coping mechanism so desperately needed in life.

We are never ‘fine.’ Oneself cannot be that fraud yet feel the true emotion that comes from the vision of reality. Since all life is complicated, our emotions are complicated and life is hard. Relationships are hard and take constant work, if both choose to and can cause the most gut-wrenching punches one might ever feel. Growing and maturing through stages of life are hard. What we want may be simple, but attaining those dreams take probably the most work and fight we have.

All of that pushes vast emotions through our bodies; this is, at least, what I’ve realized about myself. Being ‘fine’ is definitely not a vast emotion, let alone, one at all. It’s to either consciously deter or deflect or rarely, I think, to subconsciously produce a “deer in headlights” in ourselves.

We feel our emotions and our emotions feel us. I chose to be an internal deflection of my emotions and as such let myself not really feel, especially if I sensed harm, strife or even perhaps happiness. While for most of my life when I was raised and a bit more, I was told emphatically that I could reach past my own physical height. I later allowed a clouded fog to make its way down. Then, some how, whether with early battles with my sexuality and the past, hardship or disappointment, I let that monkey dig more into my back. And, this pain had to be dealt with some how and no medicine could fix it. Fine was the medicine.

We all have this pain whether a little or a lot. Some deal with it better than others, but we must experience first the pain or joy then the true emotion. It’s okay to be sad, hurt and essentially punched in the stomach. We all have these body punches that are a part of life and with confessing my truth and growing to be a better self, I will certainly always experience complicated “not fines.” To heal from these punches we must feel them as we do with a hot plate. If not, then we will only continue to get burned in many ways to the point we think these punches are more intended for us and that we aren’t intended to attain more than those punches.

I hate fine more than ever. I despise that I had such a filter thinking it was some thing that was some how diplomatic and best for my own personal life like a positive trait. I will never be ‘fine’ again. I haven’t for the last several years. I’ve been sad, depressed and face punched many times. I’ve also been happy at times. I never gave up on myself though. I fought for what I knew I could and would achieve regardless of what others might think. Before, I never gave up with being ‘fine’ but I did not cope and truly push myself as I had always done and will always do now.

I’m not black and white but gray and will always be, hence the belief that nothing is simple but complicated. This is who I am, what I am and will be. Regardless if we are more ‘black and white,’ everything else is still complicated and never fine.

I’ve watched what fine does — desensitization. I let myself succumb to desensitization and if I’m truly going to be happy and pursue what is always in my grasp, I can never be desensitized in ‘fine.’ I am not ‘fine’ now. I am happy. My life will always be my own and no one will take that away from me with a distorted view of who I am. If they do, not all will be fine.

I’ve never been ‘fine.’ We will never be ‘fine.’